Friday humour - March 02, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Hi,
    Well, okay - it's late.  I was thinking of skipping it this week, but
    (a) people keep prodding and (b) we just received a topical one from
    Lachlan (currently working in the Daresbury Laboratory, Warrington, UK).
    There's been a lot of discussion at this site over the past few months
    re Effort Logging and how to best use it, and this answers many of the
    questions raised.  Over to Lachlan:
               ------------------------------


   Sent from a friend in South Africa under a new corporate thumb.  Took me
   a while to realise it may not be 100% serious?

      Lachlan.

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning
in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time (code 5309).  To our department, unproductive time is not a problem.
What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with
your unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires
additional information to achieve its goals.  Attached below is a sheet
specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of
employee activities.  The list will allow you to specify with better precision
what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately, and let us know about any
difficulties you may encounter.

        Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation
        ------------------------------------------

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends
     not on E-Mail
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker
     Is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not
     Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Myself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about Personal Problems
5610 Searching for a New Job
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present at Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying
     Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Planning a Social Event
6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality
     They Are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasising
6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring at Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
        --------------------------------------------------

   Please don't use these codes in our Effort Logging system (we
   haven't allocated the numbers yet).

   Next - a short one from "that list":
       -------------------------

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.  Anyone who
could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.  One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and
a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man.  The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.  As the crowd
cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do
you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the Australian Tax Office."
              ------------------------------------


   And another from the same group:
             -------------

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newly wed
couple wanted to join a church.  The pastor says, "We have special requirement
for new parishioner.  You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The
couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two week?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.  The second week I had to
sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations!  Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the
young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage
of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.

"That's okay." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Coles any more either."
        --------------------------------------------------


    Finally, another one which has been passed on by one
    of my ex-colleagues:
                ------------------------

              The Farside Comes to Life in Oregon

                                        By Dave Barry (1990)

I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape.
The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out
to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on
the beach.  The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon
the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways
and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not
making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite.  The thinking here
was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by
sea gulls, and that would be that.  A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite
next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty of understatement
when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event
in the history of the universe.  First you see the whale carcass disappear in
a huge blast of smoke and flame.  Then you hear the happy spectators shouting
"Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes.  You hear a new
sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...
MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humour of the entire situation suddenly gave
way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One
piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away.
Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of
condominium units.  There was no sign of the sea gulls, who had no doubt
permanently relocated in Brazil.  This is a very sobering videotape.  Here at
the institute we watch it often, especially at parties.  But this is no time
for gaiety.  This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State
Highway division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches,
to give us an estimate on the US Capitol.  -------------------------------

Check out the web site, which includes pictures and video of the event.

 Click here
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[ End Friday(?) Humour ]




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