Friday humour - February 20, 1998
From Tony at Bluehaze:
And another week almost finished. The jokes folder is still filling up
more quickly than I can empty it, so again thanks to all who've taken the
effort to forward stuff on. First off, some whimsical thoughts on beer ...
To all beer lovers (anon):
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer."
-- Frank Zappa
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut." -- Ernest Hemingway
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
-- W.C. Fields
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." -- Lady Astor to
Winston Churchill ...
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." -- His reply
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." -- Oscar Wilde
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-- Henny Youngman
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from
urine." -- David Moulton
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-- George Jean Nathan
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
-- Dean Martin
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
-- Homer Simpson
And a quickie from Lachlan:
Two atoms are walking down the street and bump into each other.
The first atom says to the other:
"Are you all right"
"No, I've lost an electron", replies the second atom.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."
Most of you are too young to remember this, but many years ago, there
was a live Australian radio program on the Macquarie Broadcasting Service
(from 2GB in Sydney, broadcast in Melbourne through 3AW) called "The Pied
Piper", hosted by Keith Smith. The entire 1/2 hour program consisted
of Keith bringing children on stage in front of the microphone and
teasing interesting comments out of them via some open- ended questions.
This next set of quotes is remarkably similar to the sorts of things
that used to come out ... forwarded on by Nicki Agron-Olshina;
CERTAIN FACTS ABOUT LIFE
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist.
But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After
pre-school the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier
and bumpier. (Angela Martin, 11)
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three
or four times, they will bite your lips. And they don't let go
for at least a minute. (Lisa Coburn, 9)
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard
work. I used to think life was easy, but now I have to do the
dishes every second day. (Nick Coleman, 9)
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know
if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked
this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now.
(Bruce Wagner, 13)
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work
any more, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the
girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade
hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a cheque. Because, even if
you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of
bills." (Ava, 8)
And another quickie, this time from Ron Kerpen:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages
though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,"
he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
And lastly, one from Russell Newnham of the Port Battery
Group (who against all odds *have* finally taken residence
over at Bushell's Tea House):
The British Government`s policy of socialised medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government
plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five
years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a government
employee who attempts to solve the couple`s problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I`m off. The government man should
be here soon". Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...
Ms. Smith: Good morning.
Salesman: Good morning, madam. You don`t know me, but I`ve
Ms. Smith: No need to explain, I`ve been expecting you.
Salesman: Really? Well, good. I`ve made a specialty of babies,
Ms. Smith: That`s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat.
Salesman: (Sitting) Then you don`t need to be sold on the idea?
Ms. Smith: Don`t concern yourself. My husband and I both agree
that this is the right thing to do.
Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.
Ms. Smith: (Blushing) Just where do we start?
Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
allows the subject to really spread out.
Ms. Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn`t worked for Harry
Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if
we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I`m sure you`ll
be pleased with the result. In fact, my business card says, `I aim to please`.
Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn`t this a little informal.
Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time.
I`d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you`d be disappointed with that.
Ms. Smith: Don`t I know? Have you had much success at this?
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) Just look at this
picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.
Ms. Smith: Oh, my??
Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out
exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
Ms. Smith: She was?
Salesman: Yes, I`m afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. I`ve never worked under
such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look.
Ms. Smith: Four and five deep?
Salesman: Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited
she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn`t
concentrate. I`m afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her.
By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.
Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ..., equipment?
Salesman: That`s right, but it`s all in a day`s work. I consider my work
a pleasure. I`ve spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take
this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.
Ms. Smith: I just can`t believe it.
Salesman: Well, madam, if you`re ready, I`ll set up my tripod so that we can
get to work.
Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???
Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment
on. It`s much too heavy for me to hold while I`m shooting.
Ms. Smith? ... Ms. Smith? ... My word, she`s fainted?
[ End Fri Humour - avagoodeekend ]
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