Friday humour - February 13, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

  Hi,
    First one this week was forwarded on by our greatly missed creator of
    stunning graphics presentations for CSIRO (and of drinking everyone under
    the table on Friday arvo at Port), Lee "Power-Mac" McRae:
                 ------------------------

****************************************************************
* Try this - can be done even by the mathematically impaired!! *
*                                                              *
* DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!                         *
*                                                              *
* It takes only 30 seconds!!!                                  *
*                                                              *
* Work this out as you read.                                   *
****************************************************************

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would
   like to go out.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748.
   If you haven't, add 1747.

6. Last step:  Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

       SEE BELOW:

       keep going down....

       No cheating

       Just a little bit further ...

================================================================

RESULTS:

You should now have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. the
number of times you want to go out each week).

The second two digits are your age!!!  It really works.  This is
the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the joy around
by mailing this to everyone you know.
================================================================


         Next one's very short - couple of one-liners
         forwarded on by Wayne Deane ...
                   ------------------------

Blackmail Message from: THE TREES
---------------------------------

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KILl oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.

theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".....
                 ------------------------------


           Now, a couple more from "that" list ...
                  ------------------------

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking
around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the
ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no
fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one.  He starts sawing again.  Once more,
the voice speaks, "Must I tell you again?  There are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul.
He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.  Before he can even
start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.  "I have warned you three times now.
__There__are__NO__FISH__"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How
do you know there are no fish?  Are you God, trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this ice hockey rink."

                        #  #  #  #  #  #  #


  **************************************************************
  * WARNING - The following joke is R-Rated.  It lampoons sex, *
  * extreme violence, and other naughty things.  If you're     *
  * offended by such humour, please cover your eyes and scroll *
  * down about 30 lines.                                       *
  **************************************************************




Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's mad ... says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my
shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Okay."
Five minutes later, she picks up the phone and says, "Okay,
they're both dead.  What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them
when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
            -------------------------------------------


          Next one was passed on by Neil Jonker over at
          Tropical Crops and Pastures:
                   ------------------------

Keeping up to date with the latest jargon
-----------------------------------------

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

404: Someone who's clueless.  "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the
WWW error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document couldn't
be located.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on most
computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've
just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SitComs: What yuppies become when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids.  Stands for: Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it.
Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who've
snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes
off (especially in vibrator mode).  Characterised by physical spasms, goofy
facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.  "I just wasted
30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Midair Passenger Exchange - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on
collision.  Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminium rain."

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the
appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot.
             --------------------------------------


      Final one for this week is another interesting collection of one-liners,
      passed on by David "Fifi" McCallum:
                   ------------------------

  Did Ya' Ever Just Wonder ... ?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound - is that why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?  Shouldn't they
be called builts?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?  It sounds
like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I rub out a word with a pencil, where does it go?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?"  She said that if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
---------------------------------------------------------------

[ End Fri Humour ]




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