Friday humour - February 06, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

And thanks to Davo for filling in with some great stuff over the past few weeks.
Here's a few more from the joke bin (a couple date back to September last
year, BTW).  First is from David (a non-CSIRO ex-collegue).  Apparently these
were genuine news items:

In California, a man was killed by a giant inflatable elephant.  A children's
entertainer Marlon Pistol, 34, had been known throughout the state for
his blow-up pachyderm, "Colonel Jumbo".  "He made the Colonel himself,"
explained Mr. Pistol's widow.  "It was 20 feet high, and self-inflating.
The kids loved it."

On the morning of the tragedy, Mr. Pistol had placed Colonel Jumbo - suitably
deflated - on the back seat of his car and set off for a children's party
in Los Angeles.  Unfortunately, as Mr Pistol sped down the freeway at 90mph,
the Colonel suddenly took it upon himself to inflate, completely filling the
interior of the vehicle and causing his master to lose control and smash into a
wall. "A car sped past me with an elephant at the wheel," said one eyewitness.
He added: "No - I wasn't surprised.  If my wife can pass her test, anyone can."

    From Radio 4 'Quote - Unquote', 11 May 95:

A Yorkshire man, who's wife had recently died, commissioned a headstone with
the biblical text "She Was Thine" to grace the grave.  On returning a couple
of weeks later the man was somewhat dismayed to see that the mason had got
the inscription wrong, and it read "She Was Thin".

"You've forgotten the E.", he informed the mason, who was horrified and
apologised profusely and promised that it would be rectified immediately and
would be ready in two days.

When the man returned to review the correction the inscription now read:
          "Eeee, She Was Thin."

         From "Pilot" Magazine:

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending
speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked up completely with
an unexpected reading of over 300mph.  The mystery was explained seconds
later as a low-flying RAF Harrier hurtled over their heads.

The boys in blue, upset over the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint
to the RAF.  But they were subsequently chastened by the reply, which pointed
out that damage to police resources could have been considerably greater.
Apparently, the Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar and
triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface attack.  Luckily for the two
guys on the ground, the weapons systems were not armed.  --------------------

>From The Guardian, 6 Oct 1995: (Darwin Award?)

Failing standards in science education appear to be the possible cause of a
fairly fundamental error made by burglars in Sittingbourne, Kent, last night,
who attempted to gain entry to a store-room in a fireworks factory - using
oxy-acetylene cutting equipment.

The blast at Skyhigh Pyrotechnics was heard five miles away as the former
WWII ammunition dump made of foot-thick concrete was reduced to rubble.

Police, who were checking for bodies believe the raiders first set fire to
their getaway van, which probably in turn set fire to the fireworks, although
they probably had time to get away.

Rod McGregor, one of the firm's owners, estimated the blast cost them
150,000 pounds.  He added: "You can plan for just about every eventuality,
but the last thing you'd expect is for someone to break into an explosives
factory with an oxy-acetylene torch."  --------------------

From the Guardian. 19 Jul 1995:

       "Will the person who took a slice of cake from the commissioner's office
return it immediately," reads a sign seen this week in a police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand.  "It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."

    Next one's from ... well, you know - "that" list:

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.  When his personal hygiene and
love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.  After being referred
from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered
a solution.

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will
require castration.  You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles
to press up against the base of your spine.  The pressure creates one hell of
a headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was horrified.  He wondered if he had anything to live for.  At first he
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but eventually he decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing
an important part of himself.  Nevertheless, as he walked down the street,
he slowly realised that he felt like a different person.  He could make a
new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a
new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."  Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job.", the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"  Joe thought for a moment and
then said, "Sure."  The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and
... 16 and a half neck."  Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.  As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"  Joe was on a
roll and said, "Sure."  The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...
9 and a half ... wide."  Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."  The salesman stepped back, eyed
Joe's waist and said,"Let's see ...size 36."  Joe laughed, "No, I've worn
size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of
a headache."

     And one more one from the same mail list ...

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the Polish
jokes we knew; boy what a feast!  Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle
the old porcelain.  While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me,
"Hey pal, I'm Polish, and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"

So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."

"My mother is in Poland!"  He screams, and pulls out a razor.

Boy, was I SCARED!  I was sure he would have killed me if he'd found a place
to plug it in.

      And last but not least, another of those amazing Darwin
      Awards (passed on by Michael Somerville):

  The Darwin Award is bestowed every year upon an individual(s) (or remains
  thereof), who, through single-minded self sacrifice, has done the most
  to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.  John and Sal
  posthumously received this award:

Last year's winners were John Pernicky and his friend Sal Hawkins from the
great state of Washington.  John and Sal had decided to attend a Metallica
concert at the amphitheatre in Gorge, Washington.  Having no tickets, but
18 beers between them, they sat in the parking lot and finished the beer.
At that point, they decided they could scale the 9 foot fence and sneak into
the concert.  The two friends pulled their pick-up over to the fence and the
plan was for John, 100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop over and then assist
his friend.

Unfortunately, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the 9 foot fence.
Having heaved himself over, John found himself crashing through a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a clump
of bushes directly below.  Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed a pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts.  When finally
free from the tree, he crashed into a large clump of holly bushes.  The sharp
leaves scratched his entire body.  Being without shorts, he was the unwilling
victim of a holly branch which penetrated his rectal cavity.  To make matters
worse, his pocket knife fell with him and landed 3 inches into his left thigh.

Seeing his friend in terrible pain, Sal decided to throw John a rope.  However,
weighing about 100 pounds less than his friend, Sal decided the best coarse of
action would be to tie the rope to the pick-up truck.  This is when things went
from bad to worse.  In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear,
pressed on the gas and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing John.
Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries, and died
on the scene.

Police arrived to find the pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man with numerous scratches,
a holly branch stuck up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts
dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

[ End Fri humour ]

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