Friday humour - January 09, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
Perhaps after all the Christmas kerfuffle (sp?) about the last
humour, I probably need to organise this stuff to be via
subscription only!  That would take time, though, unfortunately,
which is something I don't really have at the moment - later,
hopefully.

BTW - I'll be on leave for the rest of January.  Anyone who
feels like donning the Fri Humour mantle during that time, feel
welcome!

This first is from ... err, no ... I won't give their name!
           ---------------------------------------


Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing.  Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the fairway and
lands in the water trap.  Moses parts the water and chips the
ball onto the green.

Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over
the fairway and lands in the water trap.  Jesus walks on the
water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes
sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap, a fish
jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.  As the fish is
falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs
the fish in its claws.  The eagle flies off over the green,
where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses
it.  Startled, the eagle drops the fish.

When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth
and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says: "Dad, if you don't stop
stuffing around, we won't bring you next time."
           --------------------------------------


   This next one was passed on by an ex (Boral Elevators) collegue:
                  ----------------------

This is a true story.  A thermodynamics professor had written a
take home exam for his students.  It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?   Support your answer with
proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant.  One student, however wrote the following:

                        #############

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have
some mass.  If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a
mass.  So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what
rate are souls leaving?  I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
hell.  Since there are more than one of these religions and
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the
rate of change in volume in hell.  Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same,
the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in
hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese
Banyan during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that
I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.
           --------------------------------------


   And here's one passed on by Karen Rogers, Jean, and one
   or two others (!):
       -------------------

"Actual" dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

TECH: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

CUST: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

TECH: "What sort of trouble?"

CUST: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."

TECH: "Went away?"

CUST: "They disappeared."

TECH: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

CUST: "Nothing."

TECH: "Nothing?"

CUST: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

TECH: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

CUST: "How do I tell?"

TECH: "Can you see the "C" prompt on the screen?"

CUST: "What's a sea-prompt?"

TECH: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

CUST: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."

TECH: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

CUST: "What's a monitor?"

TECH: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

CUST: "I don't know."

TECH: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

CUST: "...Yes, I think so."

TECH: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

CUST: "...Yes, it is."

TECH: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"

CUST: "No."

TECH: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."

CUST: "...Okay, here it is."

TECH: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."

CUST: "I can't reach."

TECH: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

CUST: "No."

TECH: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"

CUST: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."

TECH: "Dark?"

CUST: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

TECH: "Well, turn on the office light then."

CUST: "I can't."

TECH: "No? Why not?"

CUST: "Because there's a power outage."

TECH: "A power... a power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"

CUST: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

TECH: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."

CUST: "Really? Is it that bad?"

TECH: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

CUST: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

TECH: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.">
                 -----------------------------------


   This last one is an "accountant bash", but I know that our finance
guys have a sense of humour (because they send jokes in!) ... (famous
last words ... ?  :-)
                         --------------------


What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way
you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of
his own.

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can
count and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map
the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and
the value of nothing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his
doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three
hours trying to find it."
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[ End Fri humour ]


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