Friday humour - December 26, 1997

From Tony at Bluehaze: Hi, Well, as promised, after last weeks analytical discussion of old Saint Nick's existence (or rather, the supposed impossibility of it), here's the rebuttal (as posted by Milan Chovancek in WA): ------------------------------------- I feel it necessary to respond to the attack on the existence of Santa circulating the net lately. The attack argued using Newtonian Mechanics that Santa couldn't exist given the sheer volume of gifts to be delivered in the time allowed. I find that view myopic. What if Santa were in fact a time traveller from the 24th century? What if he wound up on our present-day Earth by having his shuttle-craft fall through a temporal distortion? (This is a very probable happening as television tells us that space is just rife with this sort of plot device.) Our traveller chose to land and live at the North Pole as he didn't want to risk influencing the present and hence disrupt his own future. But boredom set in as it will, and based on his extensive knowledge of history he decided to bring the myth of Santa to life. In an effort to look really cool, he gave the shuttle a rag-top conversion and a red paint job and called it his sleigh. The National Geographic photographers in the area bought this, but then they'd been out in the cold for a very long time. "Santa" explained the warp nacelles as magic runners on his sleigh. (After all, as the Paclids say, "They make him go.") Now, with his Warp 2 capable sleigh he was more than able to visit all the children in one night. Force fields explain away all the heat dissipation difficulties, and the inertial dampers solve all those nasty acceleration problems. (My nephew calls them "inertial dampeners", but I think that's just another name for your bladder.) Of course he doesn't haul all those toys from the North Pole. He simply replicates them using the on-board matter replicator. This makes more sense than trying to justify how elves make Nintendo cartridges anyway. I'm not certain of the point of the reindeer. Perhaps they are just eight plastic lawn ornaments he's using as dashboard clutter. Kind of the 24th century equivalent of the plastic Jesus. I've never really understood geezer-cool anyway. The only remaining hole is trying to figure out how Santa knows what you want for Christmas ... Hmmmm ... well, judging by the reported girth of Santa and the well known beard, I might speculate that Santa is really Commander Riker. This could make Councillor Troy Mrs. Claus. With her empathic abilities, she could sense whether you've been bad or good and know what to get you in either case. The fact she's only half empath could also explain why Santa's insight sometimes is a little fuzzy and you get socks when what you really wanted was Hot Wheels. So, you see, Santa *can* exist. He just needs better technology. ---------------------------------------- Next one was passed on by Petros Kapoulitsas: ---------------------- Lucky Frog I took the day off of work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard, "Ribbit, 9 Iron." I looked around but couldn't see anyone, so I tried again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put my original club away, and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom! I made a birdie. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a *lucky* frog, eh?" The frog's reply "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" I asked. "Ribbit 3 wood," was the reply. I took out a 3 wood, and Boom -- a hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. By the end of the day, I'd shot the best round of golf in my life and asked the frog, "Okay, where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit, Las Vegas". We went to Las Vegas and I said, "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table I asked, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000 black 6." Now it was a million to one shot that this would win, but after the luck I'd had playing golf, I figured "What the heck!" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and rented the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replied, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". I figured "why not", since after all the frog did for me he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world! "And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." ------------------------------------------------ And finally, one from Peter Austin (off the deviants list): ------------------- LET THIS BE A LESSON At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference, I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry, and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [ End Fri humour ]
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