Friday humour - December 12, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

This was passed on by Nicki Agron-Olshina recently:


"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via
the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I
suppose that's the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps,
is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realised

Burpus (41), a gardener from Breman, was relating how he had become
trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.

"I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast
around the waist.  At first, it all seemed rather amusing ... I sang songs
and told myself jokes.  But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.

"I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams
were muffled.  After a few hours, a group of students approached me but,
instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks
bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks.  Then they placed a
sign next to me which said:


and left me there.

"People were passing by, and when I asked for help, they just said, "Very
good!  Very clever!" and threw coins into my trousers.

No one tried to free me.  In fact, I only got free after two days because a
dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the
police.  The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police arrested me
as soon as I was free.  Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I
collected over DM3,000 ($2,000) in my underpants, so the time wasn't
entirely wasted."

    A quickie off the Perth Deviants list:

What a woman says:

  This place is a mess!  C'mon,
  You and I need to clean up,
  Your stuff is lying on the floor
  and you'll have no clothes to wear
  if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

  blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
  YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
  blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
  blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
  blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

   And another one from Wayne Deane:

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?  Well, the answer depends upon whom you ask:
                              *     *     *

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken Crossed the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you will believe it?

Richard M. Nixon:  The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the
chicken did "not" cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't anyone
ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
over the place anyway?"

Freud:  The fact that you are all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents
AND balance your checkbook.  Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets

Darwin:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Grandpa:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road,  and that was good
enough for us.

Machiavelli:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares
why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:  Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Colonel Harlan Sanders:  Wha---?  I missed one?

    Here's another of those interesting little insights into the current
    education system, passed on by Linda Ottery.  Warning - it's quite long:

                 History, according to students.

                                  Richard Lederet, St. Paul's School

  One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
  receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
  pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
  genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
  States from eighth grade through college level.  Read carefully, and you
  will learn a lot.
                             *    *    *

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the
Sarah Dessart and travelled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation.

The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of
their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on mount Montezuma.

Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.  Jacob was a patriarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.
One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.

Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the
Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of david's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A
myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.  Achilles appears in the
Iliad, byHomer.

Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer,
but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advise.
They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their
own hands.

There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.  When they
faught with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians
had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks.  History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets the
guests wore garlics in their hair.

Julius Caeser extinguished himself on the battle-fields of Gaul.

The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made

Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages.

King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.
King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
Joan of Arc was cannonised by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death
grew boobs on their necks.
Magna Carta provided that no true man should be hanged twice for the same

The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at Wittenberg for
selling Papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull.

It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the Bible.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important inventior was the circulation of blood.  Sir Francis Drake
circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery.
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When
Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah."
Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  Shakespear
never made much money and is famous because of his plays.

He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and
errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.

In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince McBeth of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote
Donkey Hole.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise
Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.  Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticable in the Autumn when the
apples are falling off trees.  Bach was the most famous composer in the
world, and so was Handel.  Handel was half German, half Italian, and half
English.  He was very large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beetoven
wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beetoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state.  The French Revloution was accomplished
before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the Spanish
gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems, and was very tense and unrestrained.  He
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is on the
east and the sun sets in the west.  Queen Victoria was the longest Queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  Her reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.  Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.  Louis Pasteur discovered a
cure for Rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the
Species.  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

    And just to finish off (if you got this far), from Roman:

Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I
don't know what he looks like.

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway.
The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed,
astonished, bewildered, and dumfounded."
[ End Fri humour ]

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