Friday humour - December 05, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

A recent one off Perth's "deviants" joke list ...

NASA has developed a cannon to enable it to fire dead chooks at the
windscreen of their space shuttles.  This is to see if the windscreen
is able to stand bird strikes at high speed.

British Rail heard of this cannon and thought it would be good idea to check
the windscreens of their high speed trains, so they asked NASA if they could
borrow it.

In due course the cannon arrived, and excited British Rail executives
waited for the first test.

Well, it didn't go as they thought it would:  the chicken went through
the windscreen, the control panel, took the back off the drivers chair,
and embedded itself in the wall behind the driver.

Panic stricken, British rail sent a fax to NASA explaining what they did for
the test and asked if there was anything they could do to make their trains

NASA's answer came back in three words:

"Defrost the chicken."

    And the final lot of "never die" puns ....

OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state (Bob Dorin?)
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Galaxy
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down
OLD USENET (Internet) providers never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation

    And another one from Perth (Scott Atkinson - DWR):

  "Meat" by Terry Bisson (censorship by me, apologies to Terry):

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to
the commander in chief...

"They're made out of meat."


"Meat.  They're made out of meat."


"There's no doubt about it.  We picked several from different parts of the
planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way
through.  They're completely meat."

"That's impossible.  What about the radio signals?  The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them.
The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines?  That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines.  That's what I'm trying to tell you.  Meat made the

"That's bullshit.  How can meat make a machine?  You're asking me to believe
in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.  These creatures are the only sentient
race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei.  You know, a carbon-based intelligence that
goes through a meat stage."

"Nope.  They're born meat and they die meat.  We studied them for several of
their life spans, which didn't take too long.  Do you have any idea the life
span of meat?"

"Spare me.  Okay, maybe they're only part meat.  You know, like the Weddilei.
A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope.  We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei.
But I told you, we probed them.  They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right.  It's just that the brain is made out of

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you?  The brain does the thinking.  The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat.  Dreaming meat.  The meat
is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Oh shit.  You're serious then.   They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes.  They are indeed made out meat.  And they've been trying to
get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us.  Then I imagine it wants to explore the
universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information.  The usual."

"F... that.  We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea.  That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello.
Anyone out there?  Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then.  They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes.  Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio?  Meat sounds.  You know how
when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise?  They talk by flapping their
meat at each other.  They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"That's disgusting.  Singing meat.  This is altogether too much.  So what do
you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"


"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all
sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or
favor.  Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the
whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit.  Do we really want to make contact
with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent.  What's there to say?" `Hello, meat.  How's it
going?' But will this work?  How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one.  They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but
they can't live on them.  And being meat, they only travel through C space.
Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their
ever making contact pretty slim.  Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel.  But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat?  And the ones who
have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed?  You're sure they
won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do.  We went into their heads and
smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good.  Agreed, officially and unofficially.  Case closed.  Any others?
Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class
nine star in G445 zone.  Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to
be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not?  Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe
would be if one were all alone ...."

      Finally, another Darwin Award ....

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, police
said Wednesday.  Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a
prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to
explode it," Payne said.  "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show
you how to set it off."

"He put it in his mouth and bit down.  It blew all his teeth off, his tongue
and his lips," Payne said.  Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at
Charleston Area Medical Division.  "I just can't imagine anyone doing
something like that," Payne said.

[UPI, Portland, OR]
[ End Fri humour ]

 Previous (November 28, 1997)  Index Next (December 12, 1997)