Friday humour - November 28, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

And a good handfull of new material this week, both from ex-DMPE's _and_
ex-DMP's (yes, I know - we're not supposed to think like that any more :-)
First, few more silly "never die" puns - O to S:

OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover
OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do
OLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-off

    Now a couple from the Perth deviants list:

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years
old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an
affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them.  Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."


King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving
Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he
went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin,
the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if
he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good
wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...
except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.  "This is no
good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.  How is this
supposed to protect milady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work
bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn
out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt
where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.  Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers
for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in
some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King
Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have
been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

"Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad.

     Fiona Solomon and Jeff Douglas both passed this next one on (it's gone
     through a minor metamorphosis to suit local conditions).

Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama , and Jeff Kennett were in an aeroplane
crash.  They go up to heaven and there sits God on his great white throne.
God addresses the Dalai Lama first.

"Dalai Lama, what do you believe in?"  The Dalai Lama replies, "Well, I
believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the
world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will
become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that.  Come and sit
at my left."

God then addresses Nelson.  "Nelson, what do you believe in?"

Nelson replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people
should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should
ever be able to tell someone else what to do.  I also believe in feeling
people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good.  Come and sit at
my right."

God then addresses Jeff.  "Jeff, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

     And finally, a suggested computer support form (forwarded to me by an


 1.  Describe your problem:

 2.  Now, describe the problem accurately:

 3.  Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

 4.  Problem Severity:

        A.  Minor__
        B.  Minor__
        C.  Minor__
        D.  Trivial__

 5.  Nature of the problem:

        A.  Locked Up__
        B.  Frozen__
        C.  Hung__
        D.  Strange Smell__

 6.  Is your computer plugged in?  Yes__ No__

 7.  Is it turned on?  Yes__ No__

 8.  Have you tried to fix it yourself?  Yes__ No__

 9.  Have you made it worse?  Yes__

10.  Have you had "a friend" who  "Knows all about computers" try to fix
     it for you?  Yes__  No__

11.  Did they make it even worse?  Yes__

12.  Have you read the manual?  Yes__ No__

13.  Are you sure you've read the manual?  Maybe__ No__

14.  Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?   No__

15.  If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?  Yes__ No__

16.  If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.

17.  What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

l8.  If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?

l9.  Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?  Yes__ No__

20.  Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?  Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21.  Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'?  Yes__ No__

22.  Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?  Yes__ No__

23.  Do you have any electronics products that DO work?  Yes__ No__

24.  Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?  Yes__ No__

25.  Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?  Yes__ No__

26.  Is the machine on fire?  Yes__ Not Yet__

27.  Can you do something else instead of bothering me?  Yes__
[ End Fri humour ]

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