Friday humour - November 21, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

This first one was forwarded on by Andrew Urban in the Battery Group (still
holding the fort at Port):

Jesus was having dinner with his disciples, and as they gathered
reverentially about him, more or less in the attitudes since immortalised by
Leornado da Vinci, he looked about at them.

There, in one direction, he saw Judas Iscariot who, he well knew, would
betray him to the authorities before three hours had passed.  On the other
side was Peter, the prince of the disciples, who, as he well knew, would
deny him thrice ere the cock crowed.

And almost immediately opposite him was Thomas, who, on a crucial occasion,
would express doubts.

There seemed only one thing to do.

Jesus called over the head-waiter. "Max," he said, "separate cheques."

    This weeks Microsoft bash was forwarded on by Ian Madsen:

Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against
Tamagotchi maker, Bandai.

Microsoft is claiming that the Tamagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet
that's all the rage with kids) is an infringement of it's intellectual

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant,
even hourly, attention, or else it dies?  Sounds like Windows to me. This is
clearly an infringement on our technology".

The Bandai company spokesperson refused to comment on the suit.

    (I'd forgotten the name of these "pets" that kids wear on their arm, so
    when our daughter screamed out last week that she'd killed her Tamagotchi
    by dropping it in the dogs water bucket, I was quite worried for a few
    minutes....)   Now - a few more "never die" puns (this week - H to M):

OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don't
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed

    This one drifted in from Waterford via the Deviants humour list:

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.  The lawyer,
seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and
offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed
it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

    This last one's fairly long - passed on by Martha Hills (originally
    from Jacqui Porter, Jackie Buchanan, et al).  Rita Rudner's "50 Facts
    About Men" (which I've edited down to 33):

 1. Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger is involved.

 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.  They've
    experienced pain and bought jewellery.

 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few
    weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.  Most of my
    husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually
    cancels out the nice of "bald."

 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In a world where
    there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

 6. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

 7. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever
    care about anyone else.

 8. Men who are going bald usually start wearing baseball caps.

 9. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my
    pillow - instead of a gun.

10. A good place to meet a man is at the Dry Cleaners.  These men usually
    have jobs and bathe.

11. Men love watches with multiple functions.  My husband has one that is a
    combination address book, telescope and piano.

12. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship..."  These
    seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

13. Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a fire and the
    last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

14. Men don't get cellulite.  (God might just be a man.)

15. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.  Women have two types:
    depressing and more depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

16. Men have higher body temperatures than women.  If your heating goes
    out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man.  Men are like
    portable heaters that snore.

17. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.  I mean - have you ever
    seen a man walk into a party and say:  "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed!
    Get me out of here.  There's another man wearing a black tuxedo ...."

18. Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's department is usually
    on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

19. No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on record saying
    he wished he could be Cary Grant.

20. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
    When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

21. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

22. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?  Am I emotionally and
    creatively fulfilled?"
    Most men are outrospective:  "Did my team win?   How's my car?"

23. Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I asked him, "Are
    we going to have sex again?"  He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

24. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out
    of sight of women.

25. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
    "Get out!", and  "I never want to see you again!" might sound like a
    challenge.  If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
    you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children."  Sometimes
    they leave skid marks.

26. Men accept compliments much better than women do.  Example: "Mitch, you
    look great."  Mitch: "Thanks."   But:
    Mitch: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do..?  Must be the lighting."

27. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

28. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a
    woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

29. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
    their clothes all button and zip in the front.  Women's dresses usually
    button and zip in the back.  We need men emotionally and sexually, but
    we also need men to help us get dressed.

30. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
    will assume she has gained weight.  When a man tries something from his
    closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

31. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.  With female
    menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.  With male menopause,
    you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

32. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

33. All men would _still_ really like to own a train set ....
[ End Fri humour ]

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