Friday humour - November 14, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Here's the weekly mail-list test (that's how Fri humour started out
over at Port :-), so let's see who misses out this week.

First one was passed on by Julian Johnson - appropriate for all those who
make it down to the Not' tonight:

Religious Enlightenment - English Style

Beer prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the Beer, the Bitter, the Lager.
For ever and ever.

   Whilst on this subject, here's some interesting logic relating to the
   effects of beer consumption, passed on by Peter Austin at Waterford:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   Here's some more "never die" puns - this week it's D to G:

OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ENERGISER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...
OLD MECHANICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet
OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalise
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

     Finally, one from the Waterford "Deviants" humour list:

 A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital
when his car went out of control and crashed.  Upon regaining consciousness,
he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his
bed side.

 He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't
worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.  But the
hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since
both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

 The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and
said with trepidation, "Well - what did you name them?"

 The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

 The husband, relieved,  said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you
come up with for my son?"

 The brother replied, "Denephew."
[ End Fri humour ]

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