Friday humour - November 07, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi,
Again, thanks to all who've sent jokes in over the past few weeks.  The
number received from Claytonites has rocketed, BTW.  I haven't been
counting, but I'd say they're now on a par with ex-ports. so the jokes
folder is looking quite healthy.

This first one's been lying around since July 1995 because it's so long.
It's just a collection of "never die" puns, from the rec.humour newsgroup
(ref Tim Nelson).  Here's a selection from the A to C section for starters:
                ----------------------------------

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated
OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way
OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory
       --------------------------------------------


  Next one's from Martha (I'm fairly sure I did send this one whilst over
  at Port, around 12 months ago, but anyway ....)
                         ---------

[ Q: Is this the truth, the whole truth or only the truth?
     Or are we just scapegoating?
         Martha ]

1. In any organisation, there will always be one person who knows
   what is going on.  This person must be fired.

2. a) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
   b) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

3. The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one
   time the Boss walks in your office.

4. Teamwork is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.

5. An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
   complex, incomprehensible truth.

6. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
   then you just don't understand the problem.

7. The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that you've
   got it made.

8. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

9. If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man - he will find an
   easier way to do it.
                -----------------------------------------


    And finally, our weekly Microsoft-bashing session (passed on recently
    by Michael Brown, Div of Tropical Crops and Pastures):
                      ---------------------

Question : Is Windows a virus ?
              -------   -----

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

   1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

   2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
     system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

   3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
     Windows does that too.

   4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along
     with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows
     does that, too.

   5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system
     is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup,
     that's with Windows, too.

Until now, it seems Windows *is* a virus, but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are
 a) well supported by their authors
 b) are running on most systems
 c) have program code which is fast, compact and efficient, and
 d) tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, no - Windows is _not_ a virus.

It's a bug.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]



 Previous (October 31, 1997)  Index Next (November 14, 1997)