Friday humour - October 31, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

This one from Martha Hills (as she put it - "a really terrible joke") ...

OK, this bloke goes into a pub one afternoon, not a lot of people about,
goes up to the bar and asks for a pint.  He picks it up and settles down for
a quiet drink.  But then as he takes his first sip he hears this voice saying
"You're nice!"  Well, obviously puts his pint down, and looks around
sheepishly to check it out.  He can't see anyone so he just shrugs and
carries on drinking.

He gets half way through his pint when he hears the same voice, this time it
saying "You've got a lovely face!"

He puts his pint down, gets up and goes for a bit of a wander to try and
work out what's up.  But the pub's completely empty.  So he goes back to his
seat and carries on drinking when he hears the voice saying, "You've got a
really nice body!"

Now he starts getting nervous.  He fears for his sanity.  Just then the
barman comes up from the cellar, so the bloke says to him: "Is this place
haunted or what?  I keep hearing strange voices and the pub's completely

The barman replies "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just the peanuts ...
they're complimentary."

   Next one's from over at Waterford (anon) ....

Farmer Giles is a little disappointed with the performance of his Cockeral,
so introduces a new young cockeral to the chicken run.

The new cockeral strides into the chicken run preening his feathers, and is
immediately greeted by the older cockeral who lamely hobbles over.  "Well",
says the old cockeral, humbly greeting the younger new arrival.  "I'm really
very old - I wonder if you would agree to letting me have a couple of the
really old birds, and you could have the other hundred or so?"

"Nope!  I'm afraid you're past it - they're all for me!", replies the young

"Oh dear, I'm far too old to fight", says the older bird.  "Why don't you
race me for them, and then when I lose, it will be no reflection on my
sexual performance, so at least I can die with my pride intact."

The young bird readily agrees, even offering a generous headstart.  Both
birds take their places and the race is on.  Even by the first turn of the
run, the younger bird is quickly catching up.  By the second turn, the young
bird is only a few feet behind, and gaining with every stride.

As they enter the final straight, he's right behind the poor old cockeral.
Suddenly, there's a loud *BANG* ,and the farmer shoots the young cockeral
dead.  "Damn", says farmer Giles, "that's the *third* gay cockeral I've
bought in a month."

   This last one is a repeat for ex-Ports, but since it was originally
   posted in May, Claytonites probably haven't seen it.  Passed on by Scott
   Atkinson, DWR (Water Resources) in Perth.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings
that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem:  "Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tyre."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "It does now."

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
[ End Fri humour ]

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