Friday humour - October 24, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   This was forwarded on by Jean (author and source unknown):


                            The BOOK

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge device (BOOK).

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by
the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM
disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.

These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque PaperTechnology
(OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the
information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the
prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with
more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder
to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into
your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may
be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never
crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can
become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet, and move forwarded or backward as you wish. Many
come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any
selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed.
BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be
used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once.
The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional
programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
Language Stylus (Pencils).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the
entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a
flood of new titles soon.

    This one from Scott Atkinson (CSIRO Land and Water):

                    BART SIMPSON'S PUNISHMENT

The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same
sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it 100 times"
punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker.  Each episode is
different.  Someone apparently went to the trouble of taping all the
Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the

These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.
Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorised to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

   And finally, whilst on the subject of the Simpson's, following was
forwarded on (by Colin MacRae) this morning:

            /         \         DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
           |           |
           |           |      *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
           |     __  __)
           |    /  \/  \       DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer.
          /\/\ (o   )o  )      RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
          /c    \__/ --.       ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
         (              )      FAR..... a long way to get beer...
          \_   _-------'       SO...... I'll have another beer...
           |  /         \      LA...... I'll have another beer...
           | | '\_______)      TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
           |  \_____)          That will bring us back to...
           |_____ |
           |_____/\/\           (Looks into an empty glass)
          /         \          D'OH!
[ End Fri humour ]

 Previous (October 17, 1997)  Index Next (October 31, 1997)