Friday humour - October 10, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

 Couple again today - first one passed on by both Fletch (Steve) and Colin Mac:

It seems the Royal Navy has PPE-type forms known as OFR's ("Officer Fitness
Reports") Here are some excerpts....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

- When she opens her mouth, it is only to change whichever foot was
  previously in there.

- I would not allow this employee to breed.

- This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
  definitely won't be.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
  a trap

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire

- This Officer reminds me of a gyroscope - always spinning round at a frantic
  pace, but never actually going anywhere.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle

- Works well under constant supervision or cornered like a rat in a trap.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


 This other one, as I remember, was doing the rounds back around 1992 (and
 possibly before that), and it's still going around.  The person who passed
 it on wishes to remain anonymous :-)


I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having
some problems lately.  I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies
1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've
tried have always conflicted with it.  I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't
crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I
just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a
problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with
some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might
see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and
other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend

He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and
eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.  He was right -
as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.  All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway.  I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.  This time I used a SCSI probe
first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a
while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed,
but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically
senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates
with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems.  Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel
rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections
with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've
never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a
friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0,
which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.  He discovered
that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to
Fiancee 1.0.  So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife
1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his
space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it
came bundled with  FreeSexPlus.  Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly
the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.  Although he
did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic
pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney
files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install
anyway because of insufficient resources.
[ End Fri humour ]

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