Friday humour - September 12, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi,
 This one from Martha.  Some interesting messages as heard on various
 telephone answering machines ...
               --------------------------------------------

"Hello, this is Ron's toaster - Ron's new answering machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done [kachunk]"

" 'ello.  My name is Ingi Montoya.  You killed my father.  Leave your name
and number and prepare to die."

"Greetings - you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know
who you are and we know what you want.  At the sound of the tone, please
hang up."

"Hello, this is Sid.  I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith and Weston 38
in the other.  Leave a message or the puppy gets it."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for
this initial consultation.  However, our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payments.  Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone.  Thankyou."

"Hi, this is John.  If you're the 'phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you
owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry - I have plenty of money."

"I can't come to the 'phone right now because alien beings are eating my
brain.  Please leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings have
assumed my shape, one of them will get back to you."

"You've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the 'phone right now
because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly.  So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you."

"I can't come to the 'phone right now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember.  Please leave my name and number
after the tone, and tell me a little about myself."

"(Rod Serling voice)  There Dale sits, reading a magazine.  Suddenly the
telephone rings.  The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper with Daryl in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds.  Will he make in time?  Alas - no,  his valiant effort is in vain."

"[very fast] Hi this 9044344 if you wanna leave a message please wait for
the tone.  If you wanna leave your name and number please press pound, 3,
then dial your name, then press 6 and then dial your number.  If you wanna
leave your name and just a message, press star, then 6, ask for extension
4443 then leave your name and message.  If you wanna leave your number and
the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1
twice, talk loud and .... [beeeeep]"
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[ End Fri humour ]



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