Friday humour - September 05, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

 Hi,
   This one forwarded on by Martha.  It's another essay (not tandem):
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"Barrel of Talent".

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.  The author now
attends NYU.

ESSAY QUESTION

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------
| IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE |
| APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:  ARE   |
| THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU   |
| HAVE REALISED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?               |
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas.  I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing.  I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute
brownies in 20 minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an
outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I
play bluegrass cello.  I was scouted by the Mets.  I am the subject of
numerous documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
my yard.  I enjoy urban hang-gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don't
perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been
caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I toured
New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration.  I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles.  Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have performed
several cover operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply
to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.  Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.  I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.  I have played
Hamlet.  I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet been to college.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


     And a short one that was passed on by a friend of mine from SDH
Consultants:
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Amusing story in IEE Cypher News....

An entertaining, unattributed story appeared on 0xdeadbeef:

'At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating
its latest speech-recognition software.  A representative from the company
was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the
room to quiet down.  Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
"FORMAT C: RETURN !!!"

Unfortunately, the software worked.'
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[ End Fri humour ]



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