Friday humour - August 29, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Lachlan passed this on to a select few recently, but I figure many
others may also appreciate it:
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RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
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This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca <last name deleted and Gary <last name deleted English 44A-
Southern Methodist Univ.(SMU)

Creative Writing
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Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.  The
process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story.

The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth.  Remember to reread what has been
written each time in order to keep the story coherent.  The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

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At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
he liked camomile.  But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So camomile was
out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neurosis of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far..." But before
he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her.  She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans.  The President slammed his fist on the conference
table.  "We can't allow this !!  I'm going to veto that treaty !!
Let's blow'em out of the sky !!!"

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

--The end.
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[ End Fri humour ]



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