Friday humour - August 15, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi,
Just before we look at some common problems with CV's, here's a very short
one from Angelica (who supplied us with many good laughs back at Port ....
and some good jokes, too  :-)
                    ------------------------------

Riding high on the conquest of the Deep Blue supercomputer, IBM is about to
launch a new computer on the market named the Mike Tyson.  It has 2 bytes
and no memory.
                          ####################


Okay - now it's time for some advice on those CV's, as passed on by Port's
Electronics Department in the person of Chris Phyland (who discovered these
whilst cleaning out several years of accumulated email):
                    ------------------------------

Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following statements
recently appeared on resumes:

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of
my immediate availability."

"Qualifications:  I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
act on short notice.  I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history.  I've made money and lost
money.  I've been rich and I've been poor.  I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.  I have never
quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children.  I don't require prescription drugs."

"Number of dependents:  40."

"Marital Status: Often.  Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."


REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mum until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."


JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately
lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."


SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does
not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."


PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood.  14 gallons so far."


SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education:  College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience:  Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation

"Your requirements match the responsibilites of my present job
precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
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[ End Fri humour ]



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