Friday humour - July 25, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi y'all,
Friday was a bit of a panic day for me (moving the SS20 and so on), so once
again the Fri humour is running late, but then again ... probably nicer on a
Monday anyway.  Nikki Scarlett (our resident bass player) found these and
passed them on - enjoy.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
     Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who
was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

(For Harrowfield)
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
     Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds
just the right one.

(For me)
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
     None, the piano player does it with his left hand.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
     He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

What's the range of a tuba?
     Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

How do you fix a broken tuba?
     With a tuba glue.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion.
So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at
the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are
over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven.  He is told "Hey man, welcome!  You
have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with
Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats.  We have a gig tonight.  Only one
problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
     "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips.
Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his
hand and asked me to play a jazz chord.  I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no.  A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no!  A jazz chord.  You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that
you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
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[ End Fri humour ]

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