Friday humour - July 18, 1997

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Here's a few more one-liners that Martha came across recently:

I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said 'Help Wanted'.  There was another
sign below it that said 'Self Service'.  So I hired myself.  Then I made
myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  Then I quit.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighbourhood
was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'.  Now, I go `Come here, Stay!'  After a
while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, to scale.  It's a bitch to fold.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information.
She said they were behind the couch.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I got some bird seed.  A bird grew.  Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you're the subject of a psychology experiment, and
nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.

The sign in the supermarket queue said "Eight Items Or Less".  So I changed
my name to Less.

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station.  Whenever we
walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in
front of the fire for the entire evening in only ten minutes.

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says "I'm home now.  But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Love:  Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace ... visualize using your turn signal.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Auntie M,
    Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
[ End Fri humour ]

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